boom boom clap

These dogs are so weird.

2010-09-19T02:56:00.002-05:00

Hey, y'all. Check out these dogs. They are so weird. I've never really been one to give much thought about dogs, but these dogs are troublesome. I'm not sure what it is. It may have something to do with what happened to me the other day. I was out at my dad's only friend's dad's son's only friend's son's house when I decided to go for a jog and try out my new smiling technique. Not sure if I mentioned that before, I'm trying this new thing where I smile as big as I can for as long as possible to see if it has any sort of effect on my everyday routine. I've found that after about 4 days, actually smiling at something that normally gives me pleasure has become a chore and leaves my life a flavorless abyss from which I can not claw out of. So, I was trying that the other day while jogging and I came across a dog. The dog was rabid. I smiled at the dog (because I was doing my smiling experiment), but what I was really feeling inside was plain and utter fear. The dog growled at me, foam splattering out of its mouth from between its yellow teeth. I kept smiling at the dog but also screamed "Get the hell out of here, dog! Get the hell out!". A little girl walked by and saw this. I smiled at her and said "Rabid! Rabid!". The girl ran away and I'm glad she did.

"Gimmicky Friday" Friday presents: "Fuck You Postcards Friday"

2010-03-05T03:33:00.009-06:00

Hey, Carlos here, with the latest (and first) post in our "Gimmicky Friday" Friday series. This Friday's gimmick is "Fuck You Postcard Friday". In the hypothetical world where this blog had a Fuck You Postcard Friday, I would sit down at my computer every Thursday night, fire up Photoshop, and have a postcard ready for you that somehow conveyed the message: "Fuck You!".

In this hypothetical version of bbClap, I'd give you these instructions:

-First, think of someone you think you're better than and who needs to know it.
-Click on the pic below (to bring it up to Full Size).
-Save to your desktop or something
-Print it out on card stock paper, cut out the image.
-On the back, do NOT write "Just kidding!" or "LOL". Just sign your name, and...
-Put a stamp on the back right corner
-Send that thing off

Then, after all that, one week later you'd find another Fuck You Postcard waiting for you, and if you were lucky, it'd bring you even more lolz. But, that won't happen. Next Friday I'll have a new gimmick...a new gimmick on..."GIMMICKY FRIDAY" FRIDAY!

Porn Robot

2010-03-03T12:01:00.002-06:00

I'm paraphrasing here, but we got our first comment since bbClap's resurrection, from our dear friend, Porn Robot from Asian Lands:

The open core non- open core capital right sky, the celebration 您 talent 夠 laughing work surface 對 altogether!

thanks, brah!

Let sleeping dogs lie. Lay? Is it lie? Lay. Lay?

2010-03-02T20:23:00.012-06:00

Odds are, if you're reading this, you probably wrote this sentence and are as alone reading it as you were writing it. Boom Boom Clap has had a nice hiatus, and I'm positive I've lost all the readers we once had. Trying to post every single day was not a good idea. Not posting every single day seemed to turn out alright. But, you know, whatever. We're back. I think. Here's our a visual aid to kinda show you how this hiatus came about:

My most humble regards to graciously steal your money

2009-08-22T13:19:00.003-05:00

Dear Reader,

You might find it so difficult to remember me. Though, it is indeed, a very long time. On my singular, I am much delighted and privileged to contact you again, after couple of years now. It takes fate, courage
and God's fearing to remember old friends and at the same time, to show gratification to them, despite circumstances that made things, not worked out as we projected then.

I take this liberty to inform you that, the transaction we were pursing together, finally worked out by God's infinite mercy and I decided to contact you, just to let you know. I have conscience as a human being,
due to your tremendous effort and contribution to make things work out in retrospect.
Meanwhile, I must inform you that, I am presently in LONDON for numerous business negotiations with some partners. I just arrived yesterday night and checked into a hotel and decided to go down to the hotel
business centre to mail you. Now, with my sincere heart, I have decided to send you an ATM CARD, to the tune of USD$2.5M, only in your name as COMPENSATION to your dedication, humanity and
contribution, as it were.

Contact my secretary now.
Mr. Bewlschit Gname (Secretary)
E-mail carlos.boomboomclap@gmail.com

You are to forward to her, the following:
1. YOUR FULL NAME & ADDRESS
2. YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER (If necessary)
3. YOUR UNCANNY ABILITY AND WILL TO SET YOURSELF UP FOR DISASTER

She will advise you further about the shipment of the ATM CARD to your Residence Address or Office Address you may provided. Feel free to reach her via the above email address. Your early response to
that effect, shall be admired.

Prof BB. M Clapstein
Former director SCAMex Emailing System
Email: carlos.boomboomclap@gmail.com
ATX

Drugs.

2009-08-14T01:14:00.000-05:00

Druuuuuuuuuuugsssss.

Gutenberg spinning like a lathe

2009-08-06T22:37:00.002-05:00

THE WORST TYPOGRAPHY IN THE HISTORY OF TYPOGRAPHY!

Just exactly which part of this sign are you supposed to read first? 24 Hour? Fitness? Lance Armstrong? Sport?

Should it be Lance Armstrong's Sport Fitness: Open 24 Hours?

2 Hour 4?

It just comes out awkward no matter how you say it.

I feel sorry for their receptionists. They probably have to spit out that word salad everytime they answer the phone.

Fucking Post #185

2009-08-03T14:49:00.002-05:00

God damn, boy, shit. Where have we been? Had a hard time keeping up with posts this summer. Mostly we've been in Santa Cruz working on some new stuff. Here's a sample:

bbClap's Cat

2009-07-20T03:17:00.006-05:00

I received an email today that made no sense in any of these possible ways that things emailed to me could make sense:

1) The Subject Line: "Yoo-hoo, I'll make you famous" (a quote from Young Guns or Young Guns II, can't remember which) when in relation to:
2) The subject of the email itself:, something about me and quantum theory and dead cats
3) The Sender: Albert Einstein:, a man whose many contributions into the present social psyche include his current state of being completely dead.
4) The email's time-stamp: April 4th, 1950, this being what bothered me the most, in that, while every other thing can bother me up to a certain point until I can dismiss it as a hoax or a lie, the time-stamp on Google's Gmail system would most certainly not be easily hacked to represent a date that existed before Google or emails or the internet, and try as a hacker might, the following would most certainly not be fucking worth it:

"Dearest Boom Boom Clap Blahg,

You are the only contemporary physicist, besides Laue, who sees that one cannot get around the assumption of reality, if only one is honest. Most of them simply do not see what sort of risky game they are playing with reality—reality as something independent of what is experimentally established. Their interpretation is, however, refuted most elegantly by your system of radioactive atom + amplifier + charge of gunpowder + cat in a box, in which the psi-function of the system contains both the cat alive and blown to bits. Nobody really doubts that the presence or absence of the cat is something independent of the act of observation.

Aaaanyway, just wanted to say what up.

peace,
Albert Einstein"

YouTube Scour Hour 3

2009-07-15T00:35:00.004-05:00

Welcome to bbClap's latest installment of YouTube Scour Hour, in which the following rigorous process is applied:

1) I get onto YouTube
2) a few minutes go by
3) depression sinks in
4) I copy and paste the embed code so that I can move on with my life

Anyway, here she is. I get this video. I really do. I understand the choices the artist was trying to make, right down to the sound effects dubbed over. The Beavis thing does come out of nowhere, but that's okay, no less, and no more, could be expected. Welcome to...

Get a load of this.

2009-07-09T04:00:00.002-05:00

Check it out, y'all. So, today I'm walking down the street when I get hit by a large piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah. A piece of shit was thrown at me from a moving vehicle. Worst part about it wasn't that it was definitely human feces, but that when it hit the back of my head it was still warm, that was the worst part for me. The freshness of it all, which makes me think, this wasn't really planned all too much ahead. You can wake up one morning, get high with your friends and suddenly come up with the idea that it may be fun to shit onto some toilet paper laid out on the floor, wrap it up, and take it with you in the car. But, it's another thing to see a dude walking down the street, the sight of which makes you so angry that you decide to shit then and there, in your hand, turn around, and chase him down.

I should stop here. That didn't happen to me. What really happened is that IT HAS BEEN OVER A WEEK SINCE WE LAST POSTED.

Summer Fun with Girls and Boys

2009-06-29T14:57:00.003-05:00

Another day, another 80's video. But, this one is an honest effort, so watch it, ya jerks. It means well and the chorus is tight.

via awful vision

Vimeo is better than you? Tonight on bbC.

2009-06-24T01:52:00.006-05:00

Birds-on-Fire's new show-reel, part II

Birds-on-Fire Show Reel '09 from birds-on-fire films on Vimeo.

Hey, bbClap here. I know BoF posted Birds-on-Fire's new show-reel somewhat recently, but I uploaded it to Vimeo and I think Vimeo just looks better and sorta kinda wish that BoF would stop emailing YouTube versions of our work around to people, BoF, you dick.

love ya, pal.

Anyway, hope you liked it, if you hadn't seen the other version before.

Checkin' in with the Kattmeister

2009-06-22T00:24:00.009-05:00

So, I thought I'd do a lil checking in with the "always-descriptive-with-his-names" Phil Thomas Katt, a fellow Music Video Director and (according to his autobiographical time-line on his website) radio personality who once faked his own death in 1986 as a publicity stunt to push his album "Nine Lives" in skating-rinks and record stores across the land (Pensacola, Florida-ish). The Unchartered Zone, a Music Television Show and awesome website, gave me the info I craved.

I found this patriotic (to Americans, whom are perhaps Patriotic) music video that he directed, which I hadn't seen before. Check it out:

via UZ's youtube channel

One thing that I really admire about Katt is the way he prices his music videos. I, and BoF for that matter, could never get away with his pricing system. Basically, Katt charges by the cut. What do I mean by "charges by the cut", you ask? If he has to cut one shot and dissolve into another shot, that's a cut, and that'll be extra money. However, you can purchase the "5-Clipper", which gives you up to five "clips" for about $100, or you can break that down (as Katt did for you simpletons on his website) to $20 a clip.

But, bbClap, what is a "Clip"? Well, I think they're what are also known as "scenes", or perhaps it's the act of cutting to and from different scenes that is considered to be a Clip. Here's a direct copy-n'-paste from Katt's Production site, explaining the five things that a clip may be:

Clips:

-Can follow a story line with actors and/or the artist playing parts.
-Can be cool scenes inserted around the song
-Can be models looking good throughout the Music Video
-Can be different angles of the artist performing

Actually, I really have no fucking clue how Katt's pricing system works. I really don't. But, I agree that a clip can be models looking good throughout the Music Video, I get that, I'm with that. Also, I do know that Katt Productions puts Intro and Outro credits, or titles, on your video for no extra charge. So, that's cool.

Whoa, where've YOU been?

2009-06-18T02:24:00.003-05:00

We haven't posted in a while. BoF has totally gone ape-shit AWOL, and Capn Stubby is off squeezing out his seed across the land.

What's all this mean? Well, if it ain't broke, do as the Romans do. So I did, and here is the result: Hello.

Well, here's another video from the guys over at Sick Animation:

The Suicidal Sun, a greeting card series

2009-06-11T03:52:00.003-05:00

Hello, Darkness, I'm your old friend. I've made you a present.

This greeting card is for you to share with your loved ones. It's based on a sculpture I tried to make out of styrofoam in college. I gave up on it cus it was hard to make a 10 foot sculpture out of styrofoam when your only drive to make it is the quickly dissolving notion that it may be a little humorous to see a cartoon sun putting a gun to its head. After you've inhaled a bunch of styro-dust and you can't figure out how to make the sun's arms stand on their own without snapping under the weight of its styrofoam gun, you suddenly start to realize that one day your organs will betray you and fail you and you will die, so you then put down your large file and sandpaper-block and you go outside, get a cool drink somewhere, and if you're lucky, stick your wiener in a hoo-haw.

aaaanyway, go 'Stros!

-BoomBoomClapenstein

a million people can't be wrong

2009-06-09T03:51:00.003-05:00

what the hell? This video has over a million views and up until now I was not one of them. Were you? Well, now you are:

So, gang...what the fuck is up with that? Cobras and babies? So, this is okay to do? I guess so. Going to sleep now, knowing the truth about cobras and babies...which is that they DO mix. Thanks. Bye.

New Birds-on-Fire Show Reel

2009-06-03T14:19:00.001-05:00

Birds, here.

music track: About "Think Niles Drink"

My collaborators and I (Birds on Fire Filmsmiths) have recently cut a new Show Reel, and just in the nick of time really. With bbClap off in NY doing getting his "Office Situational Comedy" on and having not brought the rest of us along for the ride, we decided to cut a new reel with some of our newer work (still has some of our older work on there too).

Anyway, hope you like it.

Democracy is cool

2009-06-01T01:03:00.004-05:00

this video, it rules:

High FIve while you Deep Dive, bro.

2009-05-27T00:40:00.010-05:00

dudes, bbClap, here.

So, I've been doing some spring-cleaning on my computer. Found some old stuff and I thought I'd share it with you.

-The annual Fuck Justice Reatreat for Attorneys and Paralegals. You going this year? Last year was a blast!

(I actually don't remember why I made this. No idea. I remember photoshopping it kinda, but that's it. Not sure who that dude is in the picture, think it's my brother's ex-boss??)

-High Five whilst you Deep Dive. With your bros.

(This is the gayest image that ever popped into my head, two good buddies or "bros" doing it and high-fiving each other in encouragement. Had to draw it out. You understand.)

-Please, Sir, don't be a jerk.

(hmm, another one whose initial motivation to create it I am uncertain of)

Philly's Phinest

2009-05-24T01:08:00.006-05:00

hello, friends. bbClap here. I got a name for you, if you don't know it by now:

A
R
T
H
U
R

K
A
D
E.

Eh? Lead roll as Bob in Work Sucks, what do you think? (Still not sure if that's the name we're gonna go with for the show. I really want to convey that working is not fun, but also have a play on words with the whole blowjob-giving ceiling tile thing...cus, you know, it wants to "suck your penis". Get it?) Anyway, thinking about contacting his people for the show. Seems like a cool dude.

while the cat's away, us mices will play

2009-05-21T23:23:00.004-05:00

hey, guys. So, I haven't heard from bbClap in a while (aside from an email he sent me after my last post telling me it was "lame" and that I was a total "dickface"), guess he's doing alright out there...in the world.

Anyway, I know this isn't the kind of stuff bbC would post, but you have to realize that I don't really give a shit. Where's Capn Stubby, by the way? Holler.

via bedazzled

"My Horny Ceiling", a TV Character?

2009-05-13T02:52:00.009-05:00

Hey, gang, bbClap here. Awesome news for you today!

(a graphic we used for the pitch session of our new show)

I don't really have much time to get into it, but I wanted to let y'all know that we recently got the green-light from VH1 to begin development of our TV Show, "Work Sucks". They've ordered a Pilot and 6 episodes to start off with. As I may have reported here or at our Birds-on-Fire website, we've been working on this show idea for 10 long years. "Work Sucks" is a new office-place sitcom about the relationships in the workplace and all the hilarity that ensues. It's actually pretty spectacular.

The Pilot of Work Sucks (tentatively titled "Suckin') develops two of the main characters, Bob, a young, snarky drone working out of a cubicle, and Roofus, an entity that is literally the ceiling of the office - who for some reason is very much alive and can talk, and, much to the dismay of Bob, is very horny.

Bob has to deal with the usual work-environment hoopla: office politics, the broken coffee machine, his aloof boss, the beautiful co-worker... all while also having to dodge the very blunt and indecent proposals made by Roofus, most of them ending with requests that Bob put his penis inside any and all holes that happen to be in the ceiling tiles. Needless to say, Bob's job ain't gettin' any easier! Get ready for a zany look into the unexplored territory of the modern workplace, and ceilings that wanna suck it.

Anyway, just wanted to let you guys know that we're still out here, fighting the good fight, to bring you quality television. Wish us luck, buddies!

Hero of the Guitar

2009-05-12T06:09:00.007-05:00

sometimes, y'all, you gotta remember to never forget nothin.

peace, I'm out, mother fuckers.

from Point A to Point Wiener

2009-05-06T03:53:00.002-05:00

cinco de mayo->mexico->swine flu->pig's are smarter than dogs->wiener dogs->this video

pretty good knock-knock joke

2009-05-04T02:07:00.003-05:00

Title says it all, I've got a pretty good knock-knock joke for you, scoured from the indescribable (if you're lazy) depths of Youtube and surfaced to you with an effort so indescribable that I'm not even gonna go there, sister.

please do check out more great ass shit from Sick Animation by clicking the link I used utilizing html technology that allows me to just highlight a word and insert a link, the words in this example are "Sick Animation" and the web address I used was www.sickanimation.com, but the wonderful thing about it is that I don't have to tell you that, I can just provide a link, it'll be blue and underlined and you'll know it's a link because you're not a fucking idiot, or the chances of you not being a fucking idiot but just not really understanding the internet and just somehow stumbling across my blog and sticking around to read all this are pretty slim, so I'll take my chances, you mother fucker.

Turn off the Internet

2009-04-29T06:56:00.009-05:00

Hey, guys. Let's turn off the internet. Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. It was fun for a while, but we need to let it rest up.

The Internet needs to rest up for a sec. Come on.

Just TURN OFF THE INTERNET, damn it.

Meet you in the car, k? Just click that link and let's get this over with.

you're embarrassing me,
-boom boom clap

Exclusive Interview with Bebe Rico & a Computer Vagina

2009-04-27T03:01:00.014-05:00

Whoa, this just in, guys: We have an exclusive interview with Bebe Rico. Who is Bebe Rico and who the hell are we? I'll get to that below the video, but for now, check it out, World:

Let me break down the sentence "we have an exclusive interview with Bebe Rico" using one of my legendary mother fuckin legends (like map legends, you know?)

----LEGEND----
we = Boom Boom Clap + people w/ internet
have = copy n' pasted embed
exclusive = found it on Youtube somehow
interview = I have no idea what is being said, something about shampoo?
Bebe Rico = it's that dancing baby and maybe it's like a shampoo mascot or something, fuck you, you figure it out. Judge me? Shit, I don't think so, asshole. I got two years left til I retire from this shit hole and...

also, I think I found Bebe Rico's recorded birth on Youtube, too. Check out computer vagina:

more Bebe Rico on youtube

I can identify with other humans

2009-04-25T04:24:00.003-05:00

The bittersweet pangs of nostalgia that ring through one's soul when they come across sounds or visuals, pieces of recorded history - a song, a video, the like - that calls back to youth so green and fresh that taking them for granted is as saddening and ironic as it was necessary and inevitable, were not brought about by watching this video below.

I can not seem to identify with this on any sort of level. None. Fuck, I've tried. Well, except for one... I do realize how awesome it is.

I am not stupid, the movie, and the statement.

2009-04-21T01:19:00.006-05:00

Hey, dicks.

Just kidding. That was unnecessary.

Moving on, today's post is simple, brought to you by Andy Best Electronic, bring you best electronic to home and stereo for car and home.

ride 2geths, die 2geths, Boom Boom Clap 4 life,
-bbClap

He's just a poor boy from a poor family, you guys.

2009-04-19T12:54:00.004-05:00

I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche, scaramouche will you do the fandango?
Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-
Galileo
Galileo
Galileo galileo
Galileo figaro-magnifico-
But Im just a poor boy and nobody loves me-
Hes just a poor boy from a poor family-
Spare him his life from this monstrosity-
Easy come easy go-,will you let me go-
Bismillah! no-,we will not let you go-let him go-
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go let me go
No,no,no,no,no,no,no-
Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let me go-
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for meeeeeee...

Smells like dirty Sax

2009-04-14T00:25:00.004-05:00

My brother, Momahawk, recently pointed out that these queer boat captains covered this song, replacing the sax solos with wanked-out guitar riffs.

Aaaanyway, enough of that. Hear the original right here below. Smell the sax on this smooth ass jam.

When I hear this song I always imagine an anonymous hotel somewhere that is connected to an airport, it's 1980-something, cut to: INTERIOR - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT, where an airline pilot is making sweet love to a married flight attendant (only, in those days, she would have been a "stewardess"), they make love for hours, order some room service, drink champagne and eat fruit, do some blow (although she doesn't really approve of him doing cocaine, she does it anyway cus it makes him thrust that much harder) and they make more sweet love, her memory of her husband fading if only for one more night before the 9:30 flight back to Newark...

Vlad, the literal Impaler

2009-04-03T19:02:00.002-05:00

Birds-on-Fire, reporting live from the bbClap.

Just wanted to share this video with you. I think it's excellent, but I'm not sure what you'll think about it. Let me know.

Kasabian - Vlad the Impaler from Kasabian on Vimeo.

Sketch Drama by Brandon Hardesty

2009-04-01T02:47:00.005-05:00

Capn Stubby, here:

As a dude who spends a lot of time behind the camera it makes me ecstatic to know that there are people out there like Brandon Hardesty in front of it.

Brandon reenacts scenes from your favorite movies and then posts them to youtube. His gimmick? He's good at it.

Ten pages of angry contemptuous dialogue from Glenngary Glen Ross? No problem.

Attention you disgusting fatbodies! You are in a world of shit!

A quick visit to Shermer, Illinois.

Nerdier bloggers would post his Dark Knight, Pulp Fiction, and Clerks vids. I'll let you find those for yourself.

Instead, have 12 Angry Men.

And last one from Fargo

I'm gonna Roundhouse Kick you, by the way.

2009-03-31T04:03:00.004-05:00

Never, ever, ever say out loud what I just wrote in the "title" of this post to an enemy you are about to Roundhouse kick.

Hi, there. I'm bbClap, famed advice-giver to the Stars*.

I wanted to speak to you today on the subject of Roundhouse Kicks, and, inadvertently, my cousin, Diego. My cousin Diego was roundhouse kicked by me yesterday (that's how I got from A to B on that whole "inadvertently" claim).

Diego is a dickhead. In short, he is my older cousin and I used to respect him because I am weak and, by default, I respect people who just so happen to have been born before me. Diego, in a nutshell, held two fingers horizontally (his right pointer finger coupled with his right middle finger) up to my nose so as to give me, I thought, a whiff of the sex he had had the night before. Then I remembered that he and I and a bunch of his friends went to see a movie the night before, not to mention that not one of us are female, or "vagina-havers" as my father used to call them.

Anyway, back to his fingers... the smell was sharp and violent much in the same that consensual sex isn't. I said to him:

"Ah! What is that?"

"I have no idea. Just woke up and it smelled like that."

"What smelled like that, your fingers?"

"No, my balls."

Suddenly, I had a flashback to the night before. He had convinced me to see The Knowing because it apparently had a cool plane crash scene in it, so naturally it was a solid argument to me. As you can imagine, it was a terrible movie. I spent nearly $20 with movie ticket and a medium diet coke. That anger, when mixed with the horrible smell he put into my nasal cavity, produced a beautiful roundhouse kick.

I'd do it again. I will do it again. Do you know how to Roundhouse Kick, Mom and Dad? It's as easy as 1-2-3, etc, 7.

yours,
bbC

*1. Not Hollywood Stars, but more like I just look up at the sky at night and give advice to the stars. You know, stuff like "Hey, y'all stars should totally just disappear one night simultaneously and not return for a few days just to fuck with people a lil bit".

this website features graphics, you guys.

2009-03-27T13:32:00.007-05:00

bbC, here.

Capn Stubby recently tried to convince me to take my Fila shoebox of sweat-laced (and I mean sweat, boy) gold chains to L and L Enterprises to see what percentage of my gold it is that causes green discoloration of my skin (that's chest and neck skin). CS thinks it's probably a high percentage, I just think that the green means it's working and that I'm probably sweating, which is an indication that I'm either working out, or I'm clubbin', either of which will probably get me laid...which equals more sweat.

Did I mention I'm hairy?

Anyway, I went to L & L's website, but didn't get past the home page.
(Eddie Lofton)

There is a pleasantly long video there of owner, Eddie Lofton, talking about some stuff. What stuff? I don't know, there's something about his voice and the manner in which he was talking to me (he was talking directly to me) that made Time melt like a pad of butter. Just watch the video, you'll see.

take this figurative bridge on over to L & L!!!

here are Eddie's Five U's, in case the video doesn't convince you skeptical motherfuckers that you need to take your business to L & L:

-Unprecedented Service
-Unimpeachable Integrity
-Unparalleled Experience
-Uncontested Ability
-Unbending Reliability

***Alert***
Boom Boom Clap is proud to announce our first contest.
The first person to email us a complete written transcript of L & L's video wins a free gold* necklace.

email submissions to carlos.boomboomclap@gmail.com

*bbC reserves the right to interpret the word "gold" in anyway it deems fit to it's fiscal holdings. This includes, but is not limited to, metaphorical interpretations.

Dr. Sillynamenstein, phDoyoyoing

2009-03-26T02:27:00.005-05:00

My doctor, Dr. Sillynamenstein, after my latest spell (an incident where I got so angry I leapt from my sitting position and hit the floor, instantly turning myself into a steamroller and attempted to steamroll anyone and anything that got into my way) has suggested to me that I take two of these in the morning (he handed me two banana peels) and call him in the morning (where he then handed me a fake cell phone that was filled with little gum-balls).

Dr. Sillynamenstein reminded me that "laughter is the best medicine" and that I should "turn that frown upside down". He then grabbed my crotch and said "honk! honk!"

I shoved him off me and balled up my fists. He stared at me for about half a minute as I tried to figure out if maybe I really was going insane visiting a doctor with the name Dr. Sillynamenstein and was more than likely, therefore, parked in a tow-away zone.

He continued to stare at me until he broke the silence by grabbing his own crotch and saying "honk! honk!".

We laughed and laughed for about an hour straight. And, although I do feel better, I think that maybe laughing for a whole hour with one Dr. Sillynamenstein is probably worth visiting a legitimate doctor for.

Nonetheless, I did some research on my angry steamroller condition online, and better yet, on Youtube. I found a man in Turkey who has the exact same problem, you guys! I'm not the only one!

check it out:

Jimmy from Craigslist sux, and a video

2009-03-23T04:24:00.013-05:00

bbC here, y'all. Got something special for you today. A video. Count it down, Jimmy!

Jimmy? Hey, Jimmy? Jimmy, where you at? God damn Craigslist-hired Production Assistants. I guess I have to continue typing my own countdowns, for pete's sake. I mean, seriously, my own god damn countdowns! Jimmy, I'm gonna slice open your...

Jimmy? Thought I heard him come in. Jimmy? I need to put a cow-bell around his neck.

Note to self/Jimmy: forced cowbell usage on P.A.'s and sneaky people in my life, is this a good idea or just an old forgotten one/illegal one? Also, remember to ask Jimmy if he can hear my words as I type them. Is that a dumb question? Ask Jimmy.

Never mind, Here's a countdown brought to you by me, I guess.

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

(Jimmy, this is where you would have cued the following: a flashing, break-neck quick montage of eons and eons of painful, screaming, violent, dripping, bloody, smelly, impossibly improbable evolution of life on earth, from soupy minerals and one-celled organisms all the way to a hairy caveman cramming seeds into soil with his beautiful opposable thumbs and a stick...but, you're not around, are you, Jimmy, you dick?)

blast off! (play video below as you say "blast off" to yourself)

We're just so tired, Honey.

2009-03-21T05:17:00.002-05:00

Hey, okay, so...we've been lazy. We haven't been posting much lately. What can I say? Blame it on the drugs. Not my drugs, but your drugs. They suck.

Get new drugs and let me know when you're ready to be entertained. In the meantime, expect regular posting to begin again in two days.

thanks, Dad.

-bbC

We've gone corporate, dicks.

2009-03-13T01:01:00.005-05:00

(Us pitching our ideas about graphs and how graphs can help express things)

Hey, mom and dad.

Sorry we haven't posted in a while. Capn Stubby and I have been a bit busy lately with some more commercial type work. So, I may not need you to lend me money again this month. But, don't hold me to that, god damn it. I'm your son.

anyway, check out this video of Dr. Strangelove and some muppies doing some Red Ingle:

here's a picture

2009-03-09T04:59:00.003-05:00

Hey. No poems for you today. You dried me up, you smothered me with your readership.

So, I'm just gonna show you this picture (via our friends at PPP, some time ago) and hope that you'll think about what you've done with your life and if you'll ever have half the conviction that these gentlemen obviously had at some point in their lives:

Sure, laugh at them if you must. Go ahead. As you live your painfully self-scrutinized life, just remember that while you are really just too embarrassed to be alive, you really cant touch this.

Some Poems on the subject of Revenge

2009-03-05T23:43:00.007-06:00

Dear Reader,

It's me, bbC. What up? Found some old poems I wrote a while back. They're pretty special to me. I hope you enjoy them:

Poem 1
You came to me in a dream.
Now I have a gun.
a gun.

Poem 2
The snow tastes like popcorn from ages past.
You pissed me off.
Now I have a machete.

Poem 2.5
Well, how the world spins,
Its days mocking our death, our birth.
Your death is more like it cause I'm gonna get some revenge.

Poem 3
Roasted Duck on Christmas Morning...
Never say "fuck you" to me when I'm driving, asshole

This is safe for your work if you work in Rape.

2009-03-03T23:50:00.003-06:00

Rape is not funny.

Hi, I'm Boom Boom Clap.

I have a video for you today. I came across it on Youtube in the related videos section. It caught my eye because the title caused some difficulties in my brain. My brain, as you may assume, is made up of gears, cogs, springs and steam pipes. There was something about the video's title, Worst Gay Rape Scene Ever, that made one of my brain-springs go "boy-yoy-yoing", and one of the brain-gears went "koog koog koog" as its teeth skipped a cog and ground against another gear. This caused my brain-steam pipe to split and let out a whistle, "toooot!".

It's all very scientific, screw you.

NSFWIYDWIGR (not safe for work if you don't work in gay rape)

edit: It was late last night when I posted this. Upon a fresh new day, I'm thinking that I should tell you this is rather violent. Later on tonight I'll probably think it's funny again.

Inventions for the modern day, unsuspecting, sharp-shooter

2009-02-26T23:13:00.005-06:00

Dear Jack Bauer,

I thought of an accessory for you. You know how sometimes you're, like, running out of time all the time? And, sometimes you sacrifice everything EVERYTHING GOD DAMN IT for the safety of hundreds/thousands/millions of innocent Americans, and then you find yourself behind a dumpster about to take out the terrorist/corrupted official, which you have in your gun sights, but then you hear a click-click, meaning someone has snuck up behind you? Sorry, I know you're probably running out of time. I'll get to the point.

Well, I think it would be neat if guns had a sort of rearview mirror attached to the side of them.

...that way, if you were pointing a gun at some bad guy, you could see if there was some other bad guy (one who was more than likely the least expected person you'd ever think to be the bad guy) who might be sneaking up behind you to put a gun to your head...or, at least pistol-whip you into unconsciousness.

Or, if you have all the time in the world...one could use their new gun-mirror to see how bad ass they look as they get ready to blow someone's brains out.

Just an idea for you kind of people who are always so unsuspecting all the damn time.

You're running out time,
Boom Boom Clap

Ain't no shame in my game, y'all.

2009-02-26T00:36:00.009-06:00

bb Clap, here:

First off, motherfuckers, I just wanna give a shout out to all the people in the world.

Every single last one of you motherfuckers up in this bitch we call "Teh World'. Teh world is a big place, and I wanna shout out at it. I wanna shout things like "I'm shouting" to all y'all. When I say "shout", you say "ing".

Shout-ing!

Naw mean? Fuck you if you don't. Peace.

(edit: That was my lil bro, bbcjr. I told him I'd let him get his bleegspeezy (blogspot) on with me.)

anyway, I, too, wanna give a shout out to all teh people in teh world, all the people in the world who ain't go no shame in their game. Heroes, if you will. Not the kind you find on NBC, but the kind you find on YTB....or, "youtube".

"baby's mommas dancing for they babies" heroes:

"pleasantly psychotic hippie" heroes:
(thanks to my lil cousin Lucas for sending this my way)

Stroke me, stroke me.

2009-02-24T00:55:00.005-06:00

My friend, Michael, in my opinion, is stuck in a dead end job. Shh...don't tell him I told you that. Michael is an excellent painter who doesn't paint enough anymore because he's too busy making mileage reports and other kinds of reporty reports. So, I stole a jpeg of one his paintings off his website and made him a GIF-animation to teach him a lesson. Buy some of his stuff, make him quit his shit job.

New Music Video from BoF

2009-02-20T00:19:00.010-06:00

Birds, here, with a brand es-spanking new Video de Musica for you.

Our Mother-Ship, Birds On Fire Filmsmiths, has just released its newest effort, a music video for The Black and White Years. The track is called "Zeroes and Ones". Hope you like it:

to watch in HD, go here: HD Vimeo BWY's ZnO's

The Black and White Years - "Zeroes and Ones" from birds-on-fire films on Vimeo.

just some fun (or maybe lame, if you're gonna be a dick about it) facts:

-The Black and White Years are from our hometown of Austin, Texas. Their album, The Black and White Years LP, is available from Brando Records.
-We shot this video on our friends', Barney and Alison, free-range chicken farm, justly named Barnison Farm.
-This video marked a first for many things, but the most fun was that it was a first for most the band members to shoot a gun.
-Although we had to rely on some very nice animation from BoF member, Joe Nicolosi, a lot of the "glowing" fx were actually practical effects brought out by using E.L. Wire and Retro-Reflective paints, vinyl, and fabrics.
-Since Retro-Reflective materials require that you place a light source on the same plane and angle as your camera (in other words, right next to your camera) in order to reflect back at your camera and create a glow effect, BoF laid most their lights to rest for the farm shoot and went with a more "Cops" feel...using an on-board camera/light rig and lots of hand-held camera work.
-E.L. Wire and Retro-Reflective materials are not easy to work with, no sir. But, we plan on working with both on larger scales soon, yes mam.

Get Inside My Time Machine, Me.

2009-02-19T02:08:00.017-06:00

Ah, the ol' time machine. Yeahhh, the ol' so and so.

MAMAHAWK here.

So, what would you do if you could travel back in time?

I have a fantasy of sorts...a time travel fantasy, if you will. Yeah, I wanna travel back to when I first thought about posting this blog, and then hit on myself. You know, get "self aroused". I'd sneak up behind me and start rubbing my shoulders, because I know I had a rough day today, so I'm sure I would appreciate that. Now, the important question is, would that be considered gay? Like, you know, homosexual? You know what I'm sprayin??

Anyways, I imagine I'd take my shirt off and maybe put on a romantic record, like that new Diana Ross record I got at the thrift store. I might make light chit chat about that funny thing that happened at the gas station this morning, you know, just to break the ice with myself. The hard part would be to make myself laugh and loosen up, but I am quite the charmer, so I'd give myself a little time to warm up to myself. Oh, I have that secret bottle of Jamaican Rum I've been saving for a special occasion, maybe I could pour some in a glass with a few chunks of ice, a squirt of lime, and toss in a light snack.

Then, I'd turn off the computer and tell myself to "just relax, it's just me...you". But the important part here is to determine whether or not this is gay. See, I wouldn't continue if I knew I was committing a deadly sin. That shit would suck so so bad. I really don't want to go to Hell, I think it would not be so cool.

Oh, I just arrived, gotta go. I am looking really good, where did I get that tie? Oh that's right, Mom gave that to me for my birthday last year. I'll consider the gay issue tomorrow, for now, I just want a little "me time".

So lol.

-MAMAHAWK'D.

(worse case scenario imagined below)

Tangenitilia: Cheesebeezy in Paradeezy

2009-02-17T00:11:00.007-06:00

BB Clap, here.

First, check out Grafield:

Secondly, this is my first installment of what I'll call "bbC Tangenitilia" and which you will like.

Basically, it's just links to stuff all inspired from something I copy n' pasted from the original source that I originally wanted to post about. Originally. Here we go:

"A haunted hamburger tries to get the best of Garfield.

Jim Davis tribute set to MIDI version of "Cheeseburger in Paradise" by Jimmy Buffett."

-dang, that may have been a totally stupid idea. You're not gonna click all those links...albeit utterly interesting links at that.

Meet Conrad THE pipe smoker

2009-02-16T12:37:00.004-06:00

Capn Stubby says "Buckle up folks." We've got a lot of material to cover today.

Conrad is an Argentinian man who enjoys a good pipe smoke.

He enjoys videoing himself in different outfits with different pipes. Then he uploads these videos to youtube.

Here he introduces a new pipe in Spanish and English.

Over 6000 videos on his youtube account.
6000 videos.

6000 videos in about 8 months. That's 25 videos a day.

Look Mom! Two at once!!!

Pipes and Cigars coexisting!

This is the kind of person my dad would somehow be friends with. And Conrad would talk my dad into coming over to his house in the evenings and playing backup piano for the music portion of his videos. And every time Conrad got a new pipe he'd bring it over to show off.

you WILL love me.

2009-02-13T07:48:00.003-06:00

BB Clap, here: with yet another GIF-animation/ present for you, form of Valentine.

I'll get past this phase. It's just temporary. Just for now, can you let me have this?

I want to make gifs, get off my back, Dad.

you think you know Germans.

2009-02-13T07:20:00.005-06:00

bbC here:

Did you accidentally click on a link that brought you to yet another blog?

fuckin gross. Blogs are the worst.

But, wait. Before you go, can I interest you in something wonderful? Something special? Something insanely and daringly teetering on the brink of drama and comedy? Please, lift that finger off your mouse clicker. Just...hear me out. Look, you need to see this video. I found it somehow on Youtube a while back and I can't get it out of my head. This is the stuff of nightmares.

this is the stuff of dreams.

this is the stuff. It gets good after a minute and some change, so be patient.

Today's STABBING brought to you by the letters M and E.

2009-02-11T03:48:00.012-06:00

bbC here, dudes.

So, three things:

1) I'm really pissed off at everyone in the whole world and I need a good Flea Market knife that is as close to 360 degrees of brutal stabbyness without being a gay Chinese Star (you kids call them Ninja Stars) or even the dreaded Chinese Star of David (the Kosher Killer from the East).

2) I want to develop a kid's show where I put animated cartoon eyes on the nearest thing next to me while I'm developing said show.

3) I'm really into making animated GIF's these days.

edit: I'm just now realizing that this post title is very similar to the one CAPN STUBBY posted yesterday. Maybe I'm in love with him. I hope not.

P is for Pretentious

2009-02-10T00:26:00.005-06:00

CAPN STUBBY, here:

Paste Magazine is showcasing "An Indie Rock Alphabet Book"

You know, for kids.

I guess it's a little strange that Pearl Jam is in there, and Radiohead too really. The other bands seem to have more indie street cred.

The art is kinda cool though. The caricatures of each band member are so simplified that the only way to tell them apart is the haircuts. Which makes complete sense.

...by day he's a mild mannered stand up comic

2009-02-09T13:17:00.006-06:00

Terry Braverman kills for your corporate functions. Watch as your sales, and your teamness go right through the roof.

12:00 12:00 12:00, etc...

2009-02-06T06:53:00.009-06:00

Birds, here.

this means nothing.

just wanted to see it.

so, there it is.

-anyway, that reminded me of this other lil thing that I made once as a lil tribute to the ending of The Catcher in the Rye. Then, that reminded me of this Bodi Bill song that I really like. Check it:

	bodi-bill-i-like-holden-claufield.mp3

	Found at skreemr.com

-Or, via their pretty cool vid for the song on vimeo.

2009-02-05T16:18:00.004-06:00

CAPN STUBBY here:

I really like the Andy Griffith Show. It's solidly written television and if you don't like it, then I'm going to go ahead and make a judgment about your private life.

I think I like this video.

You're just a Country Dream, IMO.

2009-02-04T02:53:00.005-06:00

Hi, my little Country Dreams. Birds-on-Fire, here:

Since bbC has posted some longerish posts these last couple of days, I'll just leave you with some shawties.

-Been really digging the music from French dudes, I Love UFO...via these other dudes.

This I <3 UFO video has been out for a while, but it didn't really get much of wide release. So, here you go...

(pardon the very short, but annoying Daily Motion Ad at the beginning...they gotta pay their bills somehow, I guess...and it's the best quality embed I could find)

-I Love UFO "Like in the Movies" Music Video by Antoine Carlier

Like in the movie - I LOVE UFO
by RECORDMAKERS

-and, as a bonus, I've included another music video (per Mamahawk's request) for you to get stuck in your head and hum all day long. This one by my main man, TAMECHI.

edit: Tamechi, as well as being a singer/performer is also a fashion designer and hair stylist who has been around a while. According to his myspace, he invented Hammer Pants! What a country dream.

Hasta la vista, Clever Post-Title Generating Robots.

2009-02-03T02:34:00.018-06:00

bbC here, y'all.

So, here's just a short one for you snapperwhippers, I'm just gonna give you two MP3's to listen to, so keep reading. I know you're really busy working at a job that requires skills that will do you absolutely no good, and are in fact probably counter-productive, ironically, towards your survival in the event of the apocalypse you so secretly burn for.

you:

With that, I must mention the Christian Bale mp3 that I'm sure made its way into your life yesterday. If not, here it is:

Xtian Bale Xplicit Motivational Speech MP3

in short, Bale got into it with the D.o.P. of the new Terminator sequel and said "fuck" more than once.

Anyway, another mysterious Bale recording has surfaced in my Inbox this morning. The sender was addressed as "the_future_sucks@thefuture.killyou".

The Future is so gay.

Here's the recording of John Connor/Bale/T3000. Apparently, a Christian Bale Cyborg/stunt-double had an altercation with the Cinematographer-Cyborg on the Cyborg Set about some cyborg stuff.

Terminator IV vs. Cinematographerborgtron MP3

My favorite part about the whole thing is that with as intense as he was, and as ripped as we know he is, at moments he sounds like he for sure has tears in his eyes. Reminds me of this kid I was friends with growing up that would cuss and yell at his parents to show how tuff he was, but his voice would start to crack and he'd start to cry...and then his Dad would wink at me as if to say "Look at this fucking pussy you hang out with".

Also, I like the way he says "Idear" when saying "idea"...makes it endearing, (non-intentional pun...is that a pun?)

Well, that does it for me. I gotta go to the Future. It's always about the Future all the time.

p.s. That was not short at all, was it? What the hell time is it? 5 am? Get outta here with that 5 am stuff.

Personalized Hate Mugs

2009-02-02T05:07:00.011-06:00

boom boom clap here, with another sweet ass gift for you:

Personalized mugs.

Didn't invent them, just wanna improve them.

Sometimes a mug that says your buddy's name with a Six Flags logo underneath it just isn't enough. Sometimes you want to not necessarily tell your friend where you've been and that you were thinking about them, but rather, that no matter where you've been, you kinda think they're pretty much a dick.

or a piece of shit, or a total cunt.

So...there you go.

I guess my gift to you isn't really concrete, it's just an idea...you'll have to execute it yourself. Go to the mall, find a kiosk that personalizes stuff, pick a friend, personalize some hate. I do it all the time. Here's the latest thing I designed at the local mall's personalized-merch kiosk:

(note: we didn't get past the designing phase...the Kiosk guy apparently didn't have time for my "faggoty bull-mess")

"Sing that shit then, lady", said Ms. Couric, beligerantly.

2009-01-30T06:01:00.006-06:00

Birds-on-Fire here:

not sure how to do this blog thing without cheating...in that, I guess blogging is all about checking out websites/pop culture and yoinking cool shit from other people's property (OPP).

So, anyway, from perhaps my favorite (or most-visited daily) site, Antville, comes this pleasant piece of pie (PPOP). If I were a solid asshole, I'd say that this tickled me with delight. I'm/it's close.

-composed by Henry Hey, who can be found by following yet another link.

-Bush-whacked
-more Palin

Who brought Sizzurp onto the time-machine? Bobby?

2009-01-29T11:11:00.007-06:00

bbC here:

yup.

Young MC "Slowest Rhyme (Bobby Birdman Remix)" from wyldfile on Vimeo.

-check out the original, sans codeine.

-more bobby birdman.

-sizzurp fireside chats

Seriously, what's up, FatLip?

2009-01-28T10:04:00.013-06:00

Birds-on-Fire, y'all:

So, that NASA video we posted yesterday left me with a hankerin' for some more Fatlip. Or, rather, made me miss the video below, directed by Spike Jonze (I'd provide a link to Jonze, but you know who he be), who, incidentally, is the brother of one of the dudes from afore-mentioned NASA. Eh? It all goes round and round and round and round...and round.

Also, ~~couldn't find a better version of this video, so I apologize for the shiteness quality.~~ Never mind, AOL had a better version than Youtube...and from what I remember, this vid was shot on mini-DV, so I assume the quality can't get too much better.

Fatlip "What's up, Fatlip?":

edit: I just realized that this AOL version, although of better quality than Youtube, is ~~fucking~~ edited. Sorry about that. Still, as a music video director, I gotta go with better resolution.

Watch more Yahoo! Music videos on AOL Video

If you haven't seen the Documentary by Jonze called "What's up, Fatlip?", you should most def check it out. And, not online in crappy little Youtube chunks, either.

anyway, here's some crappy little Youtube chunks:

"My Linkin Park CD is worn out, where do I find a new one, man?"

2009-01-28T01:15:00.011-06:00

Bleep blorp scoopy, Mamahawk here:

I used the title of this entry from what I commonly hear on the streets and shit. You see, that's a quote from you. I'm preeeeetty sure that you've prolly said that before. Scratch that; all humans have said that before, according to something.

At some point in your life, maybe as recently as today, you've said to someone, somewhere: "Peer, my Linkin Park CD is sotally (hybrid of so+totally, much like the music hybrid of rap+metal) worn out, I need to get a new copy from that electronics store at my local shopping center where they sell "electronics". You see, I wore it out from listening to it on constant rotation, much like how someone can wear out a pair of work gloves, a baseball mitt, and the like. Ahoooga!!"

I don't know, I may be reaching a bit, or "paraphrasing", but next to "I love you, sir" and "No, please don't murder me right now, it doesn't seem too convenient", that might be one of the most repeated phrase on God's Gween Earth. Oh, and by the way, I've never talked to anyone in my life. It's still theoretical as far as I'm concerned. Come on...talking? Nah.

My point is CD's are pointy. I mean, if you break them, they get pointy edges. Naw mean, mahfugga? Then you can jab those points in the jugulars of authority figures, like cops or MTV V-jays or whatever you kids are into/hate these days.

Get a job you fuckin hippies! Nu-hippies!

LOL.

Today, but, like, 47 years ago.

2009-01-27T10:27:00.006-06:00

Birds on Fire here:

Forty Seven years ago, I was not alive. I guess I was...dead? Unborn? Let's just say I was dead.

So, forty seven years ago, on January 26th, 1962, aside from my death being what was going on with me, NASA launched the Ranger 3, a lunar probe, into what I like to call "Outer Space".

The lunar probe did do some probing maybe, but it did not do the "Lunar" part of it's job. It missed the moon. That totally sucks.

Anyway, speaking of NASA, this music video just in from N.A.S.A. (no proven relation), called Hip Hop, which ~~I believe~~ was directed by Splunny.

So, then that video reminded me of this animated short by Christy Karacas & Stephen Warbrick (who has one of the best last names ever).

So, there you go.

The sluts from the The Golden Girls

2009-01-25T20:27:00.009-06:00

Birds-on-Fire here:

So, okay, here's a music video to start off your week. It's been going around for the last few days, so you've maybe already seen it. If so, I'll think of something for you to watch instead. Hmm, I don't know...I'll see if I can dig up a video of sexy zombie chicks washing a car or something like that.

For everyone else, here's a video from a band called Pistol Youth. The music's not my cup of piss, really, but I do like the video (from LA director, Isaac Rentz). The music sounds like Weezer, which would be rightly so for two reasons...one, the video too looks like a Weezer vid's concept, and two, the band sites Weezer as an influence on "they mothafuckin' myspace".

(The image above really is unnecessary. It was Carlos' idea.)

Anyway, if you like those god damn sluts from The Golden Girls, but you don't like their faces attached to their heads, and want to see them replaced with some dude's face...well, enjoy this then:

Pistol Youth - In My Eyes from Pistol Youth on Vimeo.

For everyone else that already done seen that old hat ass vid, I found this (even way more old hat, but most of you prob ain't done seen this one), as promised...

"Never bring snow to a pepper-spray fight." Love, Dad

2009-01-23T02:01:00.007-06:00

Today's post is for you, the person who complained about bbC being off to a bad start because of the long-winded posts. I won't mention this person's name because I still believe in internet-anonymity, in a general sense and even a personal sense (in that I shouldn't reveal too much about myself either)... but I can tell you this, it rhymes with "girlfriend".

so, I'll just do a more "news flash" kind of thing.

-Bof and I were talking today about his competition in the music video production world. We found this scary motherfucker online named Katt, who's as mysterious as his subject matter/clients. Mysterious, Scary Motherfucker/Director even provides in-depth commentary on his work. Check it out:

the client's music video:

the commentary discussion version:

-In other news... Never bring snow to a pepper-spray fight.

-They never done got they prison, god damn it.

-Love me some sweet ass hippy logic because it is logical and I don't hate it.

Future Town: Episode 102 "FutureMusic"

2009-01-22T03:26:00.009-06:00

Hello from Future Town, USA. This is Daniel "Zoid Balls" Hillmansteinstonbacher with another Future Town report. For a brief recap on Future Town, for you outer-sector guests, follow this link: LINK

I was thinking about the Britney Spears Wars today and how it's really kinda messed up that the mini-apocalypse was brought on upon by Britney Spears. I don't know much about the Britney Spears Wars or how it came about, but I do know that people really did not choose a side until the United States government decided to go to war with the world and name the war "Operation: Britney Spears".

At first, folks were all like "Another war?...hmm". But, then, when the military named it after Britney Spears and told civilians "shut up, She's hot." people were all like "That's just unnecessary. Give me a gun."

Anyway, we got this new thing out in Future Town, and I think you're gonna like it. It's called Songsmith and it is a robot that rose out of the smoldering plastic debris after the great Microsoft Factory fire of last week and has come to Future Town with one mission (well, before it killed off 10 Future Town cops on its way through our gate) and its mission is thus:

To correct how we make music. It has done so by making the music itself. All you have to do is sing into it with your shitty voice and it will make the music that needs to be made in order to make up for all the shittyness you have brought to the table.

Songsmith Robot made an infomercial:

Some historians have taken acappella samples of pre-mini-apocalypse "artists" and fed them into Songsmith to make better versions than those "artists" could ever have dreamed of.

a few to enjoy:

Beastie Boys

Marvin Gave

Weezer

Notorious B.I.G.

Metallica

anyway, just wanted to tell you all that as a sort of segue to inform you that we're holding a candlelight vigil tonight in honor of the Future Town Police slain by Songsmith Robot.

ObamaTron: ACTIVATE

2009-01-20T05:42:00.014-06:00

Don't say that I didn't warn you.

I didn't, but that's not the point. The point is that I don't need your crap right now, guys. I am on very lil' sleep because my partners, Birds-on-Fire and Mamahawk (pictured above in the basketball shorts), woke me up this morning with a News Flash.

And, being the kind of guy I am, I hung up on them.

They called me back and told me to get my shit together and that it was behavior like this that drove my wife away, the bitch. (I've never been married, but I like to tell stories about my "ex-wife, the bitch" because I think that one day I might write a book about a down-on-his-luck character with a bitch for an ex-wife, and it's just good practice, really...get off my back about it.

Anyways, so here's the scoop, you guys:

Late last night, Mamahawk and B.o.F. were playing the b-balls with our new President, Barack Obama. Halfway through their game of the b-balls, Mamahawk's new puppy, Tony, stopped by the court to say hello and hump hard.

The boys took a break from the game to pet the dog. Tony the dog immediately went to Obama's legs and started to hump them real hard like. BoF took a sip of his water and said:

Hey, Mr. President, isn't that the same kind of dog your daughters were asking for? Right? Man, they really wanted that dog for your move into the White House, saw it on the TV...did you find one yet?

Obama kneeled down and simply stared into the dogs eyes, holding the dog in place with one, large hand around its neck. Tony the dog just kept humping Mr. Obama with all his might, but Obama did not flinch...not even a blink.

Mamahawk did not like how Obama was just letting his dog hump him so hard, and humping hard he was, according to both my partners. So, he chimed in to break the awkward silence that Obama was creating...

So, you must be pretty excited about your inauguration tomorrow, Mr. President, sir?

Obama kept his cold gaze on Tony's lil' horny, canine eyes. Tony humped so hard, so very very earnest and hard.

Suddenly, Obama's eyes turned red, and a loud, electronic hum filled the air. Obama rose from his kneeling position with a pneumatic hiss, bringing the dog up with him. He held Tony up over his head, looked up towards the sky... and shot red lasers out of his eyes and into the night. He opened his mouth halfway and, without moving his lips, uttered in a cold-iron, robotic voice:

OBAMATRON... ACTIVATED. DOG...ACQUIRED. MISSION...COMPLETE.

Obama's Nikes transformed into rockets, I guess, from the looks of the picture that was taken.

According to BoF, when Obama had blasted off into the sky, he said:

PEACE...OUT.

Mamahawk, realizing he was going to lose his hard-humpin' dog forever, yelled up at Obama...

Hey, that's my dog, Barack!

Off in the distance, they heard ObamaTron's faint, robotic voice calling back to Mamahawk...

SUCK IT, he said.

Everybody started laughing and laughing and laughing for a very long time. BoF was rolling on the floor laughing (ROFL) and the other guys were laughing their asses off (LTAO).

As soon as it got quiet and they had wiped the tears from the corners of their eyes, BoF looked at Mamahawk, pat him on the back, and called him a "faggot".

A Postcard that bbC made for you.

2009-01-16T03:34:00.009-06:00

Hey, we made a postcard for you. Did you read the title to this post?

This postcard is for you to send off to people who you've decided that you're better than. Friends, family, co-workers, old roommates, ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, etc...there's bound to be someone.

Follow these easy instructions:

-First, think of someone you think you're better than and who needs to know it.
-Click on the pic below (to bring it up to Full Size).
-Save to your desktop or something
-Print it out/ cut out the image.
-On the back, do NOT write "Just kidding!" or "LOL". Just sign your name on the back, and...
-Put a stamp on the back
-Send that thing off

you're most welcome.

The Gospel according to "Gospel-Tron", MegaBot Supreme.

2009-01-16T01:50:00.009-06:00

Today's post is a recycled affair that rambles on in efforts to tell you about a spider that I named Buck-Buck. If you don't believe me, you're a dick.

Dear Diary (Father),

It has been over a week since my last entry (confession).

Today was a good day. Well, no, today was a shitty day. No, no...today was just like any other day for me...half good, half shitty...all "Day".

To tell you the truth, Diary, today just kinda happened. I don't know what the fuck I was talking about before, I don't really rate my days. You know that about me, Diary. You know all my secrets. You also know that I don't have any secrets, that being my #1 secret ever...which in turn creates a Paradox, not to be confused with Irony, which is just gay.

Diary, today I had a run-in with the Austin Police, again. I'm still kinda shakey. And, Diary, I hope you know that when I say "run-IN" with the Police, most often times I mean that I had a "shoot-OUT" with the Police.

Today was definitely one of those days where that vague statistic proved accurate.

So, I had me a shoot-out. No big deal, right?

It's just that sometimes, just sometimes, flying bullets can express the words "No, I'm not going to come over there. I want to be left alone, thank you very much. Oh, and I'm not a dumb-ass, you dumb-asses" to people whose profession allows them to carry badges and bullets which express the words "Hey, dumb-ass...come over here. We wanna talk to you."...far better than the words can actually express themselves when spoken.

A bullet is funny like that. When you shoot a bullet at a man, you shoot your heart at him. My father said that.

My father never said that, actually, Diary.

You knew that. You know me so well.

Moving on, I went to the video store, today. I walked around that place for about an hour before I realized that every time I picked up a movie's box, I found myself judging the movie by the expected depression that watching it might give me.

That's not that troubling, I suppose, if I was only picking up Dramas. No, this happened with every single genre that I picked up. And, I have no idea why.

This is not what concerned me. What concerned me was that I became aware that I was doing this, which then made me realize that I wasn't in the mood for a movie.

Then, I came to the conclusion that Man had vomited me out of a long line of screaming Evolution just so that I could sit in a Video Store and stare at boxes that had replaced the word "book" in the phrase "don't judge a book by it's cover" and, going against this phrase that, perhaps, was one of the very first phrases (and one of the most important and theoretically practical) that I had ever learned...was denying the very brutal struggle that Cave Men had endured, unknowingly, to set our world into motion.

And, everytime I think about Cave Men, I get a little weird.

So, I walked up to the counter and smiled at the Manager.

"How much for the place?" I asked.

He smiled back at me.

"I want to buy this store. How much?"

The Manager started laughing. He quickly noticed that I was not laughing with him.

"Uh, what?"

"The store. I want it. Minus you and your employees. You guys can leave for all I care. I just want the store and all the depressing movie boxes. Oh, and the movies themselves, I need those, too...just in case."

The Manager just blinked at me. Then, he began to laugh again. So, I started to laugh with him. But, I tell you what, Diary...in my mind...I wasn't laughing with him. I wasn't even laughing at him...

I WAS LAUGHING STRAIGHT THROUGH THAT MOTHER-FUCKER.

Anywho...I stopped laughing.

"Man, this is really funny. 'Cause it isn't funny, which makes it really funny." I said.

He then stopped laughing, too.

"Uh, okay. So, you're serious? You wanna buy the place?"

I nodded.

"Well...uh...er...well, I'm just the manager, so...I can give you the...the...owner's number. If I can just..."

The Manager was nervous. So was I, actually. The words were just coming out of my mouth...like they do.

He started to shuffle through a notebook on the desk.

"Look! Calm the fuck down and give me the Owner's contact info, you son of a bitch."

He blinked some more.

"How dare you?!" I screamed.

The manager looked about the store at the gathering crowd of customers and employees.

That's when I unbuttoned my shirt to reveal a Houston Astros t-shirt that I had on underneath. (I wear it sometimes as an under-shirt, dick)

"Aha! Gotcha! I'm just bustin' yer balls, son! It's me...your new Poppa."

I pointed at my Astros shirt and tapped the logo, in hopes to convey that I was helping ease the connection between The Houston Astros and me being the new video store owner...knowing full well that there was, in deed, no connection whatsoever.

The Manager had that look on his face that Apes tend to wear when they're not sure if they want to smash your face in, or hump your face in.

"I'm the new Owner of the store! Yeah, that's how I run things around here. Loose as a goose...bustin balls and having a good time. We're gonna have a lot of fun, gang...from here on out."

I stretched my arms wide and spun around like a little boy in the park.

Then, I just walked out.

Oh, and I made friends with a spider today. His name is Buck-Buck.

your friend who writes in you,
Boom Boomstein Von Clapingston IV

(did you notice the part about Buck-Buck? Why didn't I just get to the point about Buck-Buck? That was the best part. Looks like I'm the dick.)

Why, hello there, 2009...

2009-01-08T02:28:00.008-06:00

I feel pretty good about '09, you guys.

Drinking a 40 of Holy Water

2009-01-06T08:19:00.003-06:00

Boom Boom Clap's (Super) Duper Not At All Safe for Work Song of the Day:

Today's video is brought to you by the letter H and the letter T, for the Geto Boys were so ghetto that they stole those two letters from us.

In 1993, Rap-a-lot Records put their entire line-up on one epic song. I take comfort in the fact that my children's daddy will consider this song as a "golden oldie"

Future Town: Episode 101 "Beth's Gay Ass Computer"

2009-01-02T18:43:00.007-06:00

The Year is 2009, the place is Future Town....

Five years after the Britney Spears Wars, and the very short-lived reign of the Suicidal Robot Union, Future Town USA (a conglomeration of a bunch of Small Town USA's) has emerged from the ashes like an ash-emerging bird of some sort to take its place as the Global Leader of all things "town".

Not much has changed, really. No big deal.

The Suicidal Robots, now that was a bit weird, but we kinda just let them form their Union and then waited out their suicides, as per the only two things they were programmed to do. Big waste of taxpayer money, in my opinion.

We got talking toilets in Future Town now. They're supposed to tell you if you're eating healthy and what not, but most of us just program them to say "Yum, Yum, Yum" when you flush. It's funny for a few days for visiting guests from outside Future Town.

Anyway, our story today is about a woman named Beth and her computer, where the former has recently installed an Artificial Intelligence application into the latter. We find them in mid-conversation about love.

and away we go, to South End Future Town:

-----

"No, he didn't literally break my heart. Was that, was that a serious question?"

The computer screen still popped a silent and bright, white screen. The cursor blinked in perfect harmony with the ticking of the cheap clock on the hallway wall.

Beth decided to type her question, just in case the computer didn't hear her.

WAS THAT A SERIOUS QUESTION? IF HE "LITERALLY" BROKE MY HEART, I WOULD BE DEAD OR "TERMINATED".

The cursor continued blinking, reminding Beth of a stupid dog she had as a child. Then,...

OF COURSE NOT, BETH.

"Oh, okay."

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET ON MYSPACE, AGAIN, BETH?

"Yes. That would be fine, I guess."

OK. HERE WE GO, BETH.

"Thank you, computer."

PLEASE, CALL ME "COMPUTER", BETH.

"Uh, okay. I just did, though."

The second-hand on the clock seemed to be blinking, the cursor on the screen seemed to be ticking, and all seemed lost in the screaming silence that followed Beth's last statement. A funny, little itch...a funny, little notion started to bubble up Beth's spine and into her mind. She began to question her sanity, her grasp on the reality that was once so cock-sure that it laid happily like a fat, hibernating bear...

But, then....

YES. THAT WAS A HUMOR-JOKE, BETH.

"Oh. A joke. Okay."

MYSPACE, THEN, BETH?

"Sure."

..........The end

2009, future town.

2009-01-01T16:53:00.003-06:00

hey.

hangover.

This video sums up how I feel about some of the decisions I made on the last night of 2008.

The Will Smithsonian Theorem and New Years.

2008-12-31T00:24:00.006-06:00

Boom Boom Clap here.

So, New Year's Eve, guys...

Not sure what I'm going to do to celebrate. I do have one, lil' 12-count packet of Black Cat firecrackers, but also three bottles of rum in my freezer. I do not know how I will even out those two elements of fun...but, with the right amount of gusto, imagination, and spare time, I think I can figure something out.

I can set all of the firecrackers off, then drink all the Rum until something else happens. Or, I could drink all the Rum and make something happen by setting off the packet of firecrackers...like setting them off in someone's mouth, or a mailbox or something.

Or, I can set them off individually throughout the night. That may be best. Just kinda walk around town, down a quiet street, chugging from a bottle and setting off single firecrackers from time to time. Perhaps sigh and laugh with equal frequency and psychoticness.

Who knows? There's no end to the limitations in my life.

Anyway, I've started writing a textbook that involves math and things like Will Smith. Here's a sample from the manuscript. Hope you like it:

Perdoname Dios, pero que es un Blog?

2008-12-18T19:08:00.005-06:00

Momahawk here:

Hello, my name is ______, what's your name? Let's be human. Come on, me and you. It's hard to be a human being, but let's try it out for a second or two.

Let's talk. We've got much to catch up on, you and I. Are you mad at me? No really, are you mad at me? I'm sorry for whatever bullshit I may have done, I didn't mean to! I feel like we don't talk much anymore, lol.

Let's talk about music, yes? Have you put listen to tape cassette of Aerosmiths? Cryin' by Aerosmiths, the tape? It has a heart break thematics. And has daughter of rock star in video, she dress like dancing stripper whore and drive around America being very whory with another friend whore. I like because it make me love America, have nice music rock, and have dance around. It have me make a super penis and balls when I think about this music videos.

...Aaaaand that was impression of the all too familiar trashy/grammatically awkward Eastern European guy, you know the score. It's harder to write out than it seems.

I used to have that Aerosmith tape single, Cryin'. In fact, I found it recently at my parents house, in pristine condition, which is why it's the subject of this entry. Upon finding it, I sat there and thought about how I used to fuckin jam the shit out of it to no end, no lie. The Sony Tape and AM/FM Boombox that I shared with my younger sister had the Lion King Soundtrack and Aerosmith tapes on constant rotation. To this day, I think her choice was better. But whatevs, right? I also had Ice-T's Original Gangster, which my aunt gave to me for my 10th birthday. That's fuckin redemption, bia. Single handedly the best present a 10 year boy could ever ask for.

Let's go to sleep and think about Aerosmith and what kind of an impact they had on our lives, because if you are eating, breathing, and shitting; than they obviously have. Yeah, you liked them at one point, and you might still. Tell me about it, we're humans god damn it.

I'm going to sign off now and think about us, baby. Let's get the train back on the track, so to speak. The royal treatment, so to speak.

Drink in this photo and indulge your sentimental senses, but don't chug.

Geto BoyZone Xmas Card

2008-12-18T07:15:00.019-06:00

Hi.

The other day (Monday, if you need to know, Mom...I know you've found me, Mother), I was thinking about the Geto Boys. I find myself thinking about the Houston Gangsta Rap trio quite a bit, actually.

Don't ask me why.

That shit's complicated.

Thought about their song "I'm not a Gentleman" and the lyrics and how one single line out of the song has really made a profound impact on me and my dealings with humans.

"I'll take your mother-fuckin' ass to a chicken fight"

Seriously, you're welcome. I know you've been looking for a way to end your failed relationship, or for an awesome comeback to that thing that one dick said to you the other day in front of your co-workers.

-I'll take your mother-fuckin' ass to a chicken fight, Greg.
-Lady, I'll take your mother-fuckin' ass to a chicken fight.
-Sir, excuse me, with all due respect, I'll take your mother-fuckin' ass to a chicken fight.
-Yes, can I get a number 6, hold the mayo, and...oh, yeah, I'll take your mother-fuckin' ass to a chicken fight.

Yes, all fine examples, nay, solutions to your many, many problems in life. But, none fit better than in the actual context of the song. The song is about, like, not being a mother-fucking gentleman.

In the context, Willy D of the Geto Boys, is telling women-at large- that he will not take them to a musical or anything of this nature. Instead, a chicken fight sounds more deserving, and in my own personal agreement, fun.

check out the lyrics here.

ANYWAY, I've decided to make everyone a Christmas card for the women or "bitch ass men" in their lives. It's all there, just print it and fold along the lines. It should print out to 8.5 x 11 inches. I've added a Sample so you can see where/how to fold.

peaced.

this is the zoomed in version

the sample version

the real deal print-out and fold version:
so, this file's dimensions are a bit too big for the tabs that this blog allows, so it appears smaller than it is...just double-click on it or drag to desktop, or whatever the shit it is you have to do.

An American Electronic Journal

2008-12-14T05:16:00.011-06:00

I feel like I've been here before.

I was about to write about all sorts of stuff, particularly about my father and how he once punched a moving train...you know, start my bLOG off with a bang. Then I had deja-vu. It's completely quiet in my house, the lights are off, I'm staring at a computer screen, and I'm alone. So, there's not much to go on to suddenly make me feel like I'm having deja-vu. Typically, you're outside of the house, with some other people, and having a conversation when you have a fit of deja-vu.

I've never written a bLOG before, so that wasn't it.

Then, as always, the feeling starts to slip...I felt like I almost had it, but then it was gone.

As I started to write the words "I feel like I've been here before..." I remembered what it was. So, I'm not sure if that counts as deja-vu. Never have I before had deja-vu and remembered the source, it just gets shrugged off and forgotten.

But, I got it now. Once I read an article online about bLOGS and the ruinous effect it will have on the written word, and every time the author wrote the word "blog", she wrote it as: "bLOG". It may have been a good article.

I'll never know. That fucking shit...writing "blog" as bLOG fucking pissed me off to no end. I couldn't concentrate. Every other sentence of course had the word blog, so like little angry knives these "bLOGS" would dart up at me and provoke me to attack her through the comment section.

I was gonna be all like, "Hey, you fucking bitch, you wanna talk all about the ruin of the English language and you yourself r butchering it up like a mother fucker...fuck you."

I wrote furiously for an hour, calling her a bitch and an idoit several several times (I was so mad I kept misspelling "idiot"). I didn't care, I just kept going and going.

Fucking bLOG, I was so mad at the bLOG's.

By the time I finished my comment and was about to hit the Publish button, my wrists hurt and I was biting my lip. Since it had been over an hour of typing, my internet connection had quit, and I lost the message.

Long story short, I found myself writing the bLOG tonight. Why? I don't know. I have to find that article and ask that author why she herself had made that decision. Did I subconsciously make that decision as a traitorous act of irony on the part of an alliance between my subconscious and my consciousness?

Or is there something about writing the word "blog" as "bLOG"?

Nah, just kidding, none of that really happened. Did I mention I can teleport to anywhere in the world at any given time? (except for depths under 6ft from Sea Level, not sure why, but I do know that I'm 6ft tall, so that may have something to do with it, for whatever reason)

That shit's for real, bro. I hate it.

here's a video of a Cow eating a Baby Chicken: